Posts from the ‘Blog’ category

How can you seduce a writer? Is there such a thing as “fifty shades of sleeping with a writer”? Well, maybe not fifty, but there are several ways to turn up the heat in the literary kitchen… Sex sells… So, why not make a writer the lead character of your erotic novel?! After all, it is not about the size of an author’s pen, it is about how big is his vocabulary.

 

Writer Pick Up Lines:

 

“Hey, haven’t we metaphor? I’m a cunning linguist, and you?”

“Is that a thesaurus in your pocket or are you just convivial and exultant to see me?”

“I think we should rewrite the alphabet and put “U” and “I” closer together.”

“Do you like your drafts rough? I’d like to hear how your plot climaxes.”

“Alliteration can last all night. I can show you my large diction.”

“Let’s skip the foreshadowing and make this a short story.”

 

Literary Matchmaker:

 

A : Hey, I’d like to support the arts and date a writer!
B : Are you looking for Mr. Write?
A : Yes, an author with not much backstory, a guy who’s prologue is short.
B : I see. A man who’s like a verb, someone who’s been running through your mind all day, right?
A : Figuratively speaking.
B : Are you single?
A : Sort of… I’m in a complicated relationship with a fictional character.
B : I understand. Me too. I’ve always preferred the company of fictional men to the ones I meet in real life.
A : So what should I do?
B : Read these 5 tips on how to seduce a writer:

1. Buy him books and build him bookshelves.
2. Listen to him when he talks about his writing and his favorite author.
3. Make sure his computer is working and give him time to write.
4. Take him to coffee shops and tea gardens; or schedule a sweet escape to a writer’s retreat for him.
5. Read his books and believe in him… if he hits it big he will take care of you, but if you piss him off he will blog about you and share your shortcomings with his readers.

 

This excerpt was taken from H. G. Robert’s upcoming book, “So, you’re a writer?”. CLICK HERE to find out more about the book and to read a chapter for free.

 

Some say that English teachers were rarely hung in the wild west. Why? According to some myth, every time someone tried it, they always spoke up saying, “You twit! Things are hung, people are hanged!” Thanks to these teachers who instilled in me such a love of English, these days I’m perpetually mortified when reading the Internet. (FYI: I’m seriously considering hiring a third grader to proofread adults Facebook status updates for them. My general reply to their posts would be: “Too bad your witty post was completely ruined by your inability to spell.”)

Think about it, if writers wrote as carelessly as some people talk, then this is how it would look: sfkfghreig adhatryewn(?! – pawdkkjf. In short, you aren’t “keeping it real” with your lack of punctuation, proofreading, and spellcheck. You’re keeping it unintelligible. Good grammar is like personal hygiene – you can ignore it if you want, but don’t be surprised when people draw their conclusions.

 

Examples of how writers are silently correcting your grammar:

 

“Oh, u typ3 lyk d1s? Would you mind if I threw a dictionary at your face?”

“It’s ‘Before’ not ‘B4.’ Speak English, not Bingo.”

“Remember the difference between feeling your nuts and feeling you’re nuts!”

“Capitalization is the difference between ‘helping your Uncle Jack off a horse’ and ‘helping your uncle jack off a horse.’”

“Let’s eat dad. Let’s eat, dad. Correct punctuation can save a person’s life.”

“The power of punctuation: Wait – you’re breaking up. Wait! You’re breaking up?!”

“We’re going to learn to cut and paste kids! Commas matter.”

 

So, bad grammar? Don’t go their! Proofread to see if u left any out. Can you spell? Can you read? Do you know how to use irregardless in a sentence? You do? You fail.

A dictionary is only a reminder that at one point in time people knew how to spell. Unfortunately, nobody is a prefectionist anymore… only writers.

 

Conclusion:

 

Dear People of the world,

I don’t mean to sound slutty, but please use me whenever you want.

Sincerely,

Grammar

 

Note: If you’d like to join a local thesaurus club then keep in mind their #1 rule: You don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin-wag, natter or chat about the thesaurus club.

 

This excerpt was taken from H. G. Robert’s upcoming book, “So, you’re a writer?”. CLICK HERE to find out more about the book and to read a chapter for free.

 

What’s the hardest part of writing? Is it drafting? revising? editing? proofreading?

For many of us, the hardest part of all is getting started. Sitting down in front of a computer screen or a blank sheet of paper, rolling up our sleeves, and nothing… We want to write. We may be facing a deadline or evacuation from our apartment that should compel us to write… but instead of feeling motivated and inspired, we grow anxious, frustrated, and start to overeat while watching reruns on TV.

 

Read my writing tips to avoid mental blankness!

 

TIP #1: Writing about not being able to write will help you sort through your drama and bullshit. It will also provide you with inspirational crap.

TIP #2: Rewrite or retype the last page you stole from another book to pick up where you left off.

TIP #3: A good night sleep recharges your thoughts and improves your writing. Take a lot of Xanax.

TIP #4: Listen to rap music if you need a fresh idea for a new poem. Write down how many times the MC rhymes his words with “bitch.”

TIP #5: Try asemic writing when you’re having a stroke or a heart attack.

TIP #6: Stop publishing a series of erotic novels and vampire stories. Don’t take E. L. James and Stephenie Meyer’s bread and butter away. Dare to be a different author, someone who actually writes high-quality content.

TIP #7: Exercise oxygenates the brain, and walking in particular is a time-honored remedy for writer’s block. Go for a walk in your city and enjoy the air pollution.

TIP #8: Carry with you a pocket-sized notebook. Scribble down your ideas as they come to you or just jot down the grocery list.

TIP #9: Learn to distance yourself from negativity to maintain focus on writing. Watch only the Hallmark Channel.

TIP #10: Keep your mind fresh with word-games, manipulation and blackmail.

 

This excerpt was taken from H. G. Robert’s upcoming book, “So, you’re a writer?” that includes a total of 200 writing tips. CLICK HERE to find out more about the book and to read a chapter for free.

 

Your book is published. Now what? Well, the time has come to generate some buzz and to promote it shamelessly! An author’s job is never done…

 

  • Blackmail your family and friends to make sure that each and every one of them will buy at least 50 copies of your book.

  • Make a sex tape while your partner is reading the book and send it to TMZ.com.

  • Organize a protest in front of the White House. When the local NBC affiliate shows up, tell them that the President didn’t buy your book because he doesn’t support the arts.

  • Create a book trailer and upload it to YouTube. Generate views by refreshing the video player every 5 seconds for 10 weeks straight.

  • Tie yourself to Barnes and Noble entry doors and shout at customers to buy your book.

  • Pillage local libraries and burn all the other books to eliminate the competition.

  • Cry grievously and tell everyone that you only have weeks to live… and you hope more people will buy your book before you die.

 

This excerpt was taken from H. G. Robert’s upcoming book, “So, you’re a writer?”. CLICK HERE to find out more about the book and to read a chapter for free.

 

The following interview with H. G. Robert includes excerpts from his upcoming book, “So you’re a writer?”. CLICK HERE to find out more about the book and to read a chapter for free.

 

QUESTION: How would you define a writer?

H. G. ROBERT: A professional procrastinator. A person who eventually turns caffeine into books.

 

QUESTION: What type of writer are you?

H. G. ROBERT: A weird recluse writer. I’m often found in seclusion and shadow (with my emotional bulimia), penning masterpieces, but I tend not to leave my basement apartment. Plus Side: I’m creative, talented and humble. Minus Side: No one will know how brilliant I am unless I commit suicide.

 

QUESTION: Every writer has an inner voice, what is yours?

H. G. ROBERT: “I may be smiling, but that’s only because I am writing your eulogy. Again.”

 

QUESTION: Why did you become a writer?

H. G. ROBERT: People said I didn’t have the face for radio. Also, I write because kidnapping people and forcing them to act out my interesting make-believe worlds is technically illegal.

 

QUESTION: Have you ever had a writer’s block?

H. G. ROBERT: I’ll never forget the first time I had writer’s block, it was… I mean, really… just so… completely indescribable…

 

QUESTION: What is a typical day for a writer?

H. G. ROBERT: Drinking coffee all day and posting comments on Facebook while pretending to write a novel. Here’s the general formula: 1 hour of writing + 23 hours spent worrying about not writing = 1 day

 

QUESTION: Do you have any advice on how to become a good writer?

H. G. ROBERT: Be more or less specific. One should never generalize. Understatement is always best. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement. Eliminate one-word sentences. Who needs rhetorical questions?

 

QUESTION: Finally, could you recommend your writer-reader-bloggers books for further reading?

H. G. ROBERT: Besides my upcoming book, “So, you’re a writer?”, I also suggest that most writers read these “books”:

“The Comma Sutra – Making Grammar Sexy since 1969″ by Spell Czech ; “Homonyms are a reel waist of thyme” by Hyperbole Best ; “I avoid clichés like the plague.” by Idioms & Birds ; “What happens in Vagueness stays in Vagueness” by Dr. Ambiguity

 

 

This is the table of contents of H. G. Robert’s upcoming book, “So, you’re a writer?”.

 

  • Why not be a writer?

  • Who is a writer?

  • What type of writer are you?

  • What do writers think?

  • What do writers think of writers?

  • What do editors think of writers?

  • Why do writers write?

  • How can writers embrace their writer’s block?

  • How can a writer procrastinate?

  • What is a writer’s creative process?

  • What are performance-enhancing drugs for writers?

  • How can you become a bad writer?

  • How can you become a good writer?

  • Why is every writer a grammar nazi?

  • Why do writers hate homophones?

  • How many drafts should writers write?

  • What are great first sentences for writers to start a book with?

  • What should writers include in their books?

  • How do writers write a book?

  • How should a writer title his or her book?

  • Why do writers use a pen name?

  • How can a writer promote his or her book?

  • Why do writers need awards?

  • How can you date a writer?

+ “Lost for words…?” (200 writing tips against keyboard constipation)

 

CLICK HERE to find out more about the book and to read a chapter for free.

 

Synopsis:

 

“So, you’re a writer?” by H. G. Robert is the must-have self-help book for every wannabe writer and unemployed poet. The different chapters provide an exclusive in-depth look on why most authors are unpublished or a self-published flop. The brutally honest narratives are followed by 200 tips on overcoming keyboard constipation. Coming soon.

 

Reviews:

 

“So, H. G. Robert is a writer? It must be nice not having a real job…”

“Wow, H. G. Robert’s writing is 90% procrastination and 10% panic!”

“Um, H. G. Robert has a book?! I’d rather just wait for the movie to come out.”

 

Excerpt:

 

Why not be a writer?

Here’s why:

- it’s overrated
- you’re always alone
- it comes with depression
- people don’t read anymore
- writing degrees are expensive
- most writers are unpublished
- no money or stable salary
- no health insurance
- no future

 

Poetry ; Newspaper Articles ; Books ; Theatrical Plays ; TV Pilots ; Movie Scripts

ALL POINTLESS!

 

As a writer, you can wave goodbye to your relationships, money, a will to live, and even anything but the most rudimentary social life. You’ll send poems, novels, articles, and, in eventual desperation, even your diary to countless agents, editors, and magazines. They’ll all come back, and you’ll learn to treasure your rejection slips – because they’ll have become your only contact with the outside world!

Even when old friends call you on the telephone, you’ll hear the boredom in their responses as you tell them – in intricate detail – the latest section of dialogue you’ve written. You’ll be overjoyed when the pizza you’ve ordered arrives – and you’ll try to get the delivery guy to come in and read the latest draft of your novel! If you want to lose all your friends, this is the way to start!

The attractions of a career in writing are endless. Manic, unfocused eyes from too many late nights staring at a computer. Increasingly severe bouts of depression. Interesting mold growths on the teetering piles of washing-up. Longer and longer periods of isolation from human contact. Many others have been successful in this way. If they can do it, why can’t you?

If you want to be a writer, start now by canceling all your social engagements, leaving your partner, rarely bathing, always overeating, frantically opening those inevitable rejection letters, silently crying yourself to sleep, staring blankly at computer screens and nodding intelligently to yourself whilst reading great works of literature.

 

Selected testimonials:

 

“As a police officer I’ve written many parking tickets before, so I figured why not write books as well, right? Also, since I’m into witchcraft and I’m an atheist, I was hoping to come up with the next Harry Potter bestselling series… Now I can’t even come up with next month’s rent. However, moving back to my parent’s house at 50 made it easier to invite them down to the basement and read them thousands of my unpublished short stories.”

– K. E., London

 

“Before embarking on my career as a writer, I was a successful investment banker. Now I’m a depressed alcoholic and even my ex-secretary ended our affair. I spent all my savings and lost all my friends. Last week I even invited the local postman in to read my latest fiction draft.”

– A. S., Paris

 

“My first two novels are lining my cat’s litter tray. Not one agent or publisher was interested in either of them. I handled the rejections well because I only gained 80 pounds. No one comes to see me anymore, except a social worker, who I invited in last week to read my third novel.”

– L. R., New York

 

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 349 other followers