So, you’re a writer?


Synopsis:

“So, you’re a writer?” by H. G. Robert is the must-have self-help book for every wannabe writer and unemployed poet. The different chapters provide an exclusive in-depth look on why most authors are unpublished or a self-published flop. The brutally honest narratives are followed by 200 tips on overcoming keyboard constipation. Available on 11/20/2014.

Reviews:

  • “So, H. G. Robert is a writer? It must be nice not having a real job…”
  • “Wow, H. G. Robert’s writing is 90% procrastination and 10% panic!”
  • “Um, H. G. Robert has a book?! I’d rather just wait for the movie to come out.”

Excerpt:

Why not be a writer?

Here’s why:
– it’s overrated
– you’re always alone
– it comes with depression
– people don’t read anymore
– writing degrees are expensive
– most writers are unpublished
– no money or stable salary
– no health insurance
– no future

Poetry ; Newspaper Articles ; Books ; Theatrical Plays ; TV Pilots ; Movie Scripts
ALL POINTLESS!

As a writer, you can wave goodbye to your relationships, money, a will to live, and even anything but the most rudimentary social life. You’ll send poems, novels, articles, and, in eventual desperation, even your diary to countless agents, editors, and magazines. They’ll all come back, and you’ll learn to treasure your rejection slips – because they’ll have become your only contact with the outside world!
Even when old friends call you on the telephone, you’ll hear the boredom in their responses as you tell them – in intricate detail – the latest section of dialogue you’ve written. You’ll be overjoyed when the pizza you’ve ordered arrives – and you’ll try to get the delivery guy to come in and read the latest draft of your novel! If you want to lose all your friends, this is the way to start!
The attractions of a career in writing are endless. Manic, unfocused eyes from too many late nights staring at a computer. Increasingly severe bouts of depression. Interesting mold growths on the teetering piles of washing-up. Longer and longer periods of isolation from human contact. Many others have been successful in this way. If they can do it, why can’t you?
If you want to be a writer, start now by canceling all your social engagements, leaving your partner, rarely bathing, always overeating, frantically opening those inevitable rejection letters, silently crying yourself to sleep, staring blankly at computer screens and nodding intelligently to yourself whilst reading great works of literature.

Selected testimonials:

“As a police officer I’ve written many parking tickets before, so I figured why not write books as well, right? Also, since I’m into witchcraft and I’m an atheist, I was hoping to come up with the next Harry Potter bestselling series… Now I can’t even come up with next month’s rent. However, moving back to my parent’s house at 50 made it easier to invite them down to the basement and read them thousands of my unpublished short stories.”

– K. E., London

“Before embarking on my career as a writer, I was a successful investment banker. Now I’m a depressed alcoholic and even my ex-secretary ended our affair. I spent all my savings and lost all my friends. Last week I even invited the local postman in to read my latest fiction draft.”

– A. S., Paris

“My first two novels are lining my cat’s litter tray. Not one agent or publisher was interested in either of them. I handled the rejections well because I only gained 80 pounds. No one comes to see me anymore, except a social worker, who I invited in last week to read my third novel.”

– L. R., New York